Stop Shrinking, Start Strengthening: Confidently Receive Feedback as a Collaborative Leader

"I’m so sorry."

It rolls off the tongue automatically — not once, but twice — even though nothing is technically wrong.

This is a common challenge I see with many of the leaders I coach — especially those with Steadiness (S) and Influence (I) styles on the DiSC® model. These collaborative, people-first leaders often tend to shrink when receiving feedback, especially when a team member corrects them or offers a different perspective. Instead of pausing, reflecting, and responding with intention, their go-to move is to apologize and ruminate.

Sound familiar?

When Feedback Feels Like a Threat

These leaders often:

· Value harmony and connection

· Avoid conflict to preserve relationships

· Downplay their authority to keep the peace

· Apologize when challenged — even if they didn’t do anything wrong

While these traits reflect care and humility, they can also undermine confidence and credibility when left unchecked.

The Shift: From Apology to Acknowledgement

In a recent coaching session, we explored what it would look like to lead with grounded confidence — especially when receiving feedback.

Rather than defaulting to “I’m so sorry,” we generated empowering phrases that acknowledge others without diminishing self-worth.

Here are a few that resonated most:

· “Good catch — I appreciate you flagging that.”

· “That’s a useful perspective. I hadn’t thought of it like that before.”

· “Thanks for clarifying — that helps us move forward more clearly.”

· “You’re right. That’s an important detail.”

We practiced them aloud — not because the leader needed a script, but because their brain did.

Why? Because the Brain Needs Rehearsal

When feedback triggers a stress response, the amygdala takes over — leading to defensiveness, withdrawal, or excessive apology. But by practicing new responses aloud, we give the brain a new script to draw from when the pressure is on.

To support this shift, I invited the leader to use these phrases not just when receiving feedback — but also when giving it.

Strengthening Feedback Loops, Both Ways

Here’s what that looks like in action:

· A peer shares a thoughtful idea in a meeting:

“That’s a great insight — I hadn’t considered that angle.”

· A team member spots a potential issue:

“Thanks for catching that — your attention to detail helps us avoid problems later.”

By offering feedback generously and receiving it with composure, the leaders train their brains to associate feedback with connection, not criticism.

The Positive Psychology Connection

From a brain science perspective: Practicing appreciation and acknowledgment shifts the nervous system from threat to trust — creating space for learning and growth.

From a positive psychology lens: Regular positive feedback builds psychological safety, encourages open communication, and fosters team cultures where people can thrive.

A Practice You Can Try

If you tend to over-apologize or feel rattled when receiving feedback, try this 5-step practice:

1. Notice the impulse to say “I’m sorry” or defend yourself

2. Pause and take a breath

3. Acknowledge what’s helpful in the feedback

4. Say it out loud using a phrase like:

o “Thanks for pointing that out — it’s a helpful clarification.”

o “Good insight — that shifts my thinking.”

5. Reflect afterwards: What felt different? What do you want to build on?

You Can Be Kind and Confident

Receiving feedback with grace doesn’t mean pretending to have all the answers. It means knowing who you are as a leader and responding with intention.

When you respond with calm clarity — instead of shrinking or over-apologizing — your presence becomes your power.

And when you model that kind of confidence, your team learns to do the same.