Why Many 1:1 Meetings Feel Polite but Unproductive

I love to entertain. There is something about gathering people around a table that reveals so much about how we connect. But I’ve noticed a recurring theme when I’m playing hostess: If I walk around and ask, “Is everyone doing okay? Does anyone need anything?”, I almost always get the same answer.

"Oh, I'm great, thank you!" "Everything is wonderful."

It’s the "Polite Guest" response. Even if someone is parched or doesn't actually like the appetizer, they don’t want to be the one to "make a scene" or break the flow of the evening. They protect the vibe of the party at the expense of their own needs.

We once had a dinner party where a guest did the unthinkable: They interrupted me to tell me the dining chair was on fire. A spark from a sparkler candle had landed on the upholstery and was smoldering. Because that guest wasn't too "polite" to speak up, we caught it early.

I realized I was bringing that same 'hostess' energy into my professional life. 

In my 1:1 meetings, I would show up with the best of intentions, wanting to be the leader who is supportive and present. But instead of digging deep, I'd ask the workplace version of my hostess question: “How’s everything going?” or “Is there anything you need from me?”

And just like my dinner guests, our team members give me the polite answer: “Everything’s fine.”

The Problem with Fine

When I’m coaching leaders today, they often confess a nagging frustration: their 1:1s feel 'nice', but they don't actually move the needle. 

The updates were shared and the rapport is good, but the important issues (those metaphorical sparks on the chair) stay hidden.

Eventually I realized, this isn't because a team is disengaged; it’s because the human brain is wired for the path of least resistance. When I ask a broad question, open-ended question, I"m actually asking my team to do a huge amount of mental heavy lifting. To avoid the work, the brain takes the easy exit: “Everything’s fine.”

From Hostess to Partner

In my kitchen, if I really want to know if a dish is working, I don’t ask "How is it?" I ask something specific: “Does the sauce need more salt?”  That specificity gives my guests permission to be honest. It takes the pressure off them to be 'perfect' and invites them to be a partner in the meal. 

Effective leadership is the same. Safety isn’t just about being kind; it’s about clarity.

If you’ve sensed that your 1:1 questions are well-meaning but missing the mark, you don’t need to become a different kind of leader, you just need a better set of questions.

Ready to find the 'sparks' before they become a fire? Here are 7 questions that turn polite updates into powerful partnerships.

[Get the 7 Questions Guide]